Got an email from "Online University" with the Subject: "Get a degree in as little as a few months." Wow, with a name like Online University, it must be good.

I often eat at places called "Restaurant" and I shop at places called "Store" so why not go to an online university called "Online University."

When potential employers see my resume they will pick me! Harvard, Yale, Online University!

"Wow! He got his degree online! To the top of the pile!"

Much better than Through-the-Mail University or I-saw-it-on-TV-at-3-in-the-morning-University. I want to go to Online University because the girls are hot. Especially the girls from Omnicron Sigma (Online Sorority.) They have their own webcam and everything!

At Online University, I get personal attention with a 17 to 1 student to faculty ratio in the chat rooms.

And the lounges are cool because they have online billiards and online ping pong where I can make online friends and maybe meet on online girl to have online cyber sex.

Choose a college based on these 3 things:

1 - The name. Go to the most highly regarded school you can. It's like wearing Prada or Nike Air Jordans. "Online University" is the equivalent of Rustler jeans. It's bootleg. It's not even Wrangler jeans.

2 - The people. Ideally, you want hot chicks and guys who won't date rape you. And for you girls, you're going to hate the women no matter what campus you go to, so this doesn't matter. Just pick a place where the guys won't date rape you or your boyfriend.

3 - The location. If everything else is equal, go to a warm location, you moron. Why spend years freezing your ass off going to class when you can be warm? When you visit the campus, imagine it's February and you've passed out outdoors. When you wake up, is your face frostbitten and covered in snow? Or is your face warm from that beautiful yellow pee your buddies tinkled on you? If it's both, then consider a new school.

Online University. Gimme a f*cking break.

Here's the commercial for Online University:

Slacker dude with long hair and a skateboard and bloodshot eyes: "Yeah, so I got a my undergrad at Online University. And with that under my belt, I have Law Schools knocking down my door! Thanks to Online University, I have so many choices! I can't decide! Should I go to Law School at Ham Radio University... or Text Message College?"

Stooooooooooooooopid.